to ashkie:
We got together. Surreal, bizzare, but we were finally together. What we thought was a tragic love story actually brought us together as one.
I did have my insecurities as well. A lot of them, in fact. One of my deepest fears was that you would mind my socioeconomic status when you first came over. I was afraid I'm too much of a home guy for you. I was afraid you would be bored of me. Even when I was young around your age, my life was extremely mundane. My family background is pretty complicated and messed up. I don't exactly have a 10/10 relationship with my mum. Although I'm working, there are bills I have to pay, money I had to save for a possible future to get out of this hole; I was afraid I can't give you enough. Due to our gap and the different phases that we're in, I'm worried that you might feel lonely. I sometimes do need to recharge alone, and I was worried you might feel left out. I sometimes feel a little jelly when you're out, or when you're texting, but I didn't want you to misunderstand, and I don't want to disrupt your social circle.
But when you're with me, you chased my doubts away. Every time our eyes meet, it calms me. You assured me, and accepted me. You giggled at my lame jokes, my stammers, my clumsiness. We laughed together at everything and at us. I was truly contented. I'd noticed you shifting your life towards mine. Sleeping earlier, eating healthier(not really, but effort counts!), exercising, doing your work. I'd really appreciated the changes you were willing to go through, even without me really asking.
I really wanted to give you whatever I can. Especially my feelings. I really wished to commit to you only, even however bleak or tough the road ahead of us might be, I wanted to walk with you, and I still do, because if the end is with you, it's all worth it.
But the feelings and sadness I tried to shut and avoid came flowing like a broken dam. I felt a certain void all of a sudden, and I couldn't feel anything towards you for a moment. It was unnerving that I would feel this way towards you; I didn't want this to slowly eat at me and cause us to spiral down. I don't want myself to only give a part of me to you; I wanted every inch of me to belong to you, wholeheartedly. That is why I chose to leave this time.
I need this time to collect my thoughts and to learn to let go. I've caused tremendous pain to both sides; I'm undeserving to be in love, because my actions to both of you lacked empathy and conscience. I need to reflect and get my shit together.
We got together. Surreal, bizzare, but we were finally together. What we thought was a tragic love story actually brought us together as one.
I did have my insecurities as well. A lot of them, in fact. One of my deepest fears was that you would mind my socioeconomic status when you first came over. I was afraid I'm too much of a home guy for you. I was afraid you would be bored of me. Even when I was young around your age, my life was extremely mundane. My family background is pretty complicated and messed up. I don't exactly have a 10/10 relationship with my mum. Although I'm working, there are bills I have to pay, money I had to save for a possible future to get out of this hole; I was afraid I can't give you enough. Due to our gap and the different phases that we're in, I'm worried that you might feel lonely. I sometimes do need to recharge alone, and I was worried you might feel left out. I sometimes feel a little jelly when you're out, or when you're texting, but I didn't want you to misunderstand, and I don't want to disrupt your social circle.
But when you're with me, you chased my doubts away. Every time our eyes meet, it calms me. You assured me, and accepted me. You giggled at my lame jokes, my stammers, my clumsiness. We laughed together at everything and at us. I was truly contented. I'd noticed you shifting your life towards mine. Sleeping earlier, eating healthier(not really, but effort counts!), exercising, doing your work. I'd really appreciated the changes you were willing to go through, even without me really asking.
I really wanted to give you whatever I can. Especially my feelings. I really wished to commit to you only, even however bleak or tough the road ahead of us might be, I wanted to walk with you, and I still do, because if the end is with you, it's all worth it.
But the feelings and sadness I tried to shut and avoid came flowing like a broken dam. I felt a certain void all of a sudden, and I couldn't feel anything towards you for a moment. It was unnerving that I would feel this way towards you; I didn't want this to slowly eat at me and cause us to spiral down. I don't want myself to only give a part of me to you; I wanted every inch of me to belong to you, wholeheartedly. That is why I chose to leave this time.
I need this time to collect my thoughts and to learn to let go. I've caused tremendous pain to both sides; I'm undeserving to be in love, because my actions to both of you lacked empathy and conscience. I need to reflect and get my shit together.
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